new year, new ideas

every new year there are a million resolutions to do all the same shit you promised to do last year. well, personally i quit trying years ago. i just accepted a few cardinal things about myself and just left it alone after that.
well this year i feel inspired. alot is changing, and even though i'm in my 30's, i finally feel like this is the year i will take the first steps into adultness.
i mean i've been an adult for years, but there was always some element about it that never got too serious ya know?! yeah i pay rent, but that seems so childish compared to a mortgage. now, i want a mortgage. i want something that is truly ours. me and my husband. no more theirs, and yes i know how stupid that sounds because technically even if we bought a house it still belongs to them, the bank. i get that, but it just seems like a huge step to being a grown-up.
2010 will be the year that i will take better care of myself. no traps of "i'm going to lose weight" because when i don't i become even more depressed. this year, i just need to pay attention to me. sleep better, eat better, drink more water, and yes try to exersize more than just what i exert at work. btw, i'm a part-time cashier. soooo, but yeah, get out and walk the dog instead of just standing there watching her walk.
i'm starting a second job, hoping to get some money in to get our bills squared and maybe save up for a house this year or a newer car. definately getting out of this apartment, and if it has to be in a different apartment, so be it. i'll just keep working hard and save up and maybe a house 2011.
i saw a commercial that talked about voice software to type what you say, so that will be my birthday present to myself and i'll finish my first novel by this summer! shoot with that program i might finish my series by the end of the year.
my political asperations are still ify, just because i'm not sure i'm compassionate enough to slackers who think they deserve my hard earned money for poping out babies they don't take care of or want. but they want that paycheck.
so, this year i'm going to take better care of myself, finish my first novel, move into a new place, and make more time for me and my hubby and my friends. no more rain checks because of a job.
pray me luck and thank you god for being there for me now, then, tomorrow, and in my time of need. and happy new years guys, i pray that you are blessed with health, wealth, and happiness.

time to kick my life in the ass

i've been so bumbed lately, letting the stress of everything effect everything. my hubby and i barely talk to each other anymore and i miss him. i miss being able to just randomly call friends and go milkshake hunting at 3 am, i miss being happy and i just got happy dammit! i've been so depressed for so many years that the first real glimpse of happiness i find and really enjoy, poof, gone again. well fuck that! now that i actually know what it is to be happy, not because i have money or things, but because i have friends to hang with, a hubby i can laugh with, and well, i was just happy for once in my life. AND I WANT IT BACK!
so i think my christmas list now consists of new pots and pans, sorry that's been on my list for a few years now, a new job, first ever house, a not so crappy piece of shit car, and to be happy again. to start talking again instead of bottling everything up inside and being too worried about talking about things that might upset people.
i've been doing that for far too long where i put everyone else's happiness and emotional well-being in front of my own and it's almost killed me a few times. i can't, no i WONT do it anymore.
i'm taking back my happiness and holding on tight.

time for a change maybe?

so i sent out that letter to the man who murdered my cousin and i'm waiting on a response, if any, but if he does respond, well that will be december's issue of MANIFEST. well, i'm always an army brat, hope for the best; prepare for the worst, so i have a back up plan for the december issue if he doesn't respond at all or not in time. HOWEVER, i'm now starting to think that it may be time to change it up all together.

see, MANIFEST, the whole concept and idea was truly a vision from God. it's a training tool that will help me prepare for something, i just don't know what that something is. but i think i may have to change my approach. i wanted to keep completely neutral in regards to the political topics, just give the facts as they are on the government sites and articles, etc. and keep my opinion out of it completely. i figured people can make up there own minds and take the actions they see fit to take. this idea also stemms from people forcing their opinions down my throat when all i wanted were just the facts. but for some reason, this isn't working. is it because we as a society have just gotten too use to other's opinions that we can't make our own? has it just become easier to let others hash these things out without us getting involved.

well we can't just sit around any longer and wait for others to duke it out and we sit on the side lines and pray for the best. i mean praying is fine, but pray without action is like that joke jerry told me. guy is sitting on the roof of his house during a massive flood and he's praying to god, "save me, save me" a guy comes by with a rowboat and tells the guy, get in, but nope, he says thanks but god will save me. the water gets higher and the guy is up to his waist when someone comes by in a speed boat, get in man. no thanks, god will save me. the water is now up to this guys ears when a helicopter flies in and lowers a bucket, but the guy says, no thanks, god will save me. the man drowns. when he stands before god and asks why didn't you save me? god says i tried, i sent a rowboat, a speedboat, and a helicopter, but you turned me down.

how many times have you turned god down recently? you're waiting on some kind of supernatural event to fix all the problems when sometimes the real solution is just grabbing the hand that's right in front of you. i know i've been waiting.

i think i've been worried that my opinion would get in the way, but maybe my opinion could help show the way. i think my opinions and my voice are worthy of sharing, are important. so i'm gonna pray over it, call my church family and see what they think. it may just be time to shake things up a bit.

you people scare me

ok, so i know it's been a few days since this happened, but i've been a wee bit busy with broken cars and panic attacks, poisoned hubby, ya know normal stuff, but it hit me tonight that everyone was in such an uproar over that football player that said the f-word, you know, faggot. yes i said it, because i needed to so you didn't confuse which f-word.
but people were so pissed about this that the entire state signed a petition to have him fired from his status as athletic demi-god and it worked. the team actually kicked this guy off the team. omg!
ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!
you're upset because he used a homosexually demeaning word, YET YOU GIVE VICK A SECOND CHANCE?
a convicted felon for the murder, assualt, and torture of innocent animals, and "he did his time, he paid the price, he deserves a second chance", but a guy who's just a verbal moron, probably because he was passed through the education system not because he could read or write, but because he could throw pork around real well, oh yeah crusify that guy!
you people are really starting to scare me.
praise and worship hollywood, but screw God. elect a president who had no related work experience and who hates this country, and now stand by and support your friendly neighborhood murdering psychopath, but burn at the stake the guy who said a stupid word.

i am now currently accepting donations to purchase a few million reality checks, return to common sense, and bibles for those of you who weren't told in a t.v. movie of the week that jesus loves you and you need to love him

time to just let it go

so, i was trying to come up with a topic for november's issue of MANIFEST when god pointed me into a very firm direction. i had to face the man who murdered my cousin 20 years ago. now he's going to be in prison until he dies, so i wrote him a letter and that letter is the november issue. no politics, no inspiring articles, just me and my fear and my pain. i've been afraid of this man for so long, because he did something to me that no one was able to do before or since, make feel unsafe. being an army brat i've been surrounded by the military all my life and was never afraid of anything. after dec. 12th 1989, i've been terrified of every choice i've made, every action i've ever taken, because this man walked into the police department and just killed my cousin sonny. sonny was a cop and suppose to be bullet proof, (i was 13 at the time, so gimmie a break) not to mention he was inside the belly of the p.d. surrounded by cops with guns, he should have been safer than the pope! but he wasn't and nothing has felt safe since. this guy just walks in and just shot him and no one has ever been able to tell me why. they want to blame his childhood or mental sickness or the neighborhood he grew up in, i mean it's all bullshit and i'm tired of asking everyone else, so i finally just asked him. it's taken me 20 years but i finally grew a pair and wrote him.
i said in the letter that i wasn't scared of his answer, but now that i've actually sealed that envelop, i'm actually nervous. i'll drop the letter off in the mail box on my way to work tomorrow and it should reach him by the beginning of next week. i don't know if he will respond at all, hell he may be so drugged up he can't respond, but i know that when i first started writing this letter i cried every sentence. tonight i was reading through it again, correcting some typos and i only cried once. i think i'm finally truly embracing myself forgiving him for his actions. forgiving him for killing sonny and destroying our families, his included, is the only way i break the shadows that surround christmas for me. the only way i take back the safety and joy he stole from me.

no idea

i don't know what has been going on with me lately, but for the past month or so it seems like i'll go a couple of days being happy and no problems, to putting my fist through a wall angry for a couple of days, then happy, rage, happy, rage. i mean i had to call jerry at midnight to help me calm down after that article i read about getting evicted for flying the american flag. he says it's just the final straw that broke my back ya know?! i don't know, i guess the more you pay attention to the fallout around you, the more it spikes your blood pressure. which i guess is why there is that saying "ignorance is bliss". yeah, i guess it was. but once you're educated, there is no going back.
someone at work asked me if i had kids and the answer was a quick, no doubt, hell no. and he thought i was kidding when i also added "and i don't want any either". see, for those of you who just adore children, i don't have that natural instinct to breed. point of fact even the thought makes me twitch in the sniper way. but even if i did have that pull, why would i want to bring a child into this world right now anyway? i mean seriously? ok, scenario, i have a kid in 2010, by 2018 it's up for graduating high school. prospects for a future: he has to speak at least 2 other languages besides english just to get a job even at the burger joint, he better be a minority, the next albert einstein, or i won the lottery before he'll be able to even think about college, if there is still a college here in this country that americans are allowed to go to. jobs, if he can even find one, will not be able to pay enough for the kid to ever pay for anything besides a pizza on the weekends, he'll have to walk or ride a bike or a bus to both school and job because he'll not be able to afford the gas or insurance or the car itself. and now the way things are going with this administration, he might as well defect from here and rush over to china if he wants to have a life, because i'll be in prison for murder and failing to buy health insurance. the latter is obvious, the murder has to do with the stupid dhr person who comes to my house to take away my kid because i disciplined him when he cussed me out and crapped in the floor because he wasn't getting some kind of positive attention or something you hear those stupid twits from the nanny shows saying.
i have some praying to do and some thinking to do. i need to knock out 3 newsletters in 2 weeks. while working and church and my hubby and my dad's birthdays this weekend and spending time with them both and tax class and another yard sale and dear lord. i'm going to bed.
god bless you all

boycott cowards and traitors

omg i'm in tears right now thinking about how many years i missed spending with my dad because he was in a foreign country or "out in the field" while he was in the u.s. army and what i just read makes me want to scream. an apartment building in oregon has the balls to tell their residents that they can't fly the american flag either in their apartment or even in their car or have bumper stickers with the american flag on it, if they break this rule they face eviction. first and foremost, to threaten people with losing their safety and shelter, you put fear in them, therefore you are a TERRORIST! and as such you should be handle as a TERRORITST! not to mention that is anti-american and since we are in a time of war, it is treasonous in its basic form. you should be arrested and imprisoned. if i were anyone near that area i would begin boycots, lawsuits, and if i were a resident, i'd move out, put holds on my rent checks, and take everyone with you at the same time. bankrupt their stupid asses.
but it just kills me to think that we as americans are so fucking scared to be americans. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of the way all these bleeding heart lets save the planet fucks are destroying the country which my father and my mother, who also was in the army, sacrificed for. while you try to find a new country in which to save while you bash the country in which you live. we can't save anyone else because we are refusing to save ourselves. you people disgust me. i feel so sorry for my parents who are still alive to witness this atrocity to our country. i feel so sorry for the men and women dying for this country because you assholes don't give a shit about them or this country.
so you know what? if you don't fucking love this country, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE EITHER!