new year, new ideas

every new year there are a million resolutions to do all the same shit you promised to do last year. well, personally i quit trying years ago. i just accepted a few cardinal things about myself and just left it alone after that.
well this year i feel inspired. alot is changing, and even though i'm in my 30's, i finally feel like this is the year i will take the first steps into adultness.
i mean i've been an adult for years, but there was always some element about it that never got too serious ya know?! yeah i pay rent, but that seems so childish compared to a mortgage. now, i want a mortgage. i want something that is truly ours. me and my husband. no more theirs, and yes i know how stupid that sounds because technically even if we bought a house it still belongs to them, the bank. i get that, but it just seems like a huge step to being a grown-up.
2010 will be the year that i will take better care of myself. no traps of "i'm going to lose weight" because when i don't i become even more depressed. this year, i just need to pay attention to me. sleep better, eat better, drink more water, and yes try to exersize more than just what i exert at work. btw, i'm a part-time cashier. soooo, but yeah, get out and walk the dog instead of just standing there watching her walk.
i'm starting a second job, hoping to get some money in to get our bills squared and maybe save up for a house this year or a newer car. definately getting out of this apartment, and if it has to be in a different apartment, so be it. i'll just keep working hard and save up and maybe a house 2011.
i saw a commercial that talked about voice software to type what you say, so that will be my birthday present to myself and i'll finish my first novel by this summer! shoot with that program i might finish my series by the end of the year.
my political asperations are still ify, just because i'm not sure i'm compassionate enough to slackers who think they deserve my hard earned money for poping out babies they don't take care of or want. but they want that paycheck.
so, this year i'm going to take better care of myself, finish my first novel, move into a new place, and make more time for me and my hubby and my friends. no more rain checks because of a job.
pray me luck and thank you god for being there for me now, then, tomorrow, and in my time of need. and happy new years guys, i pray that you are blessed with health, wealth, and happiness.

time to kick my life in the ass

i've been so bumbed lately, letting the stress of everything effect everything. my hubby and i barely talk to each other anymore and i miss him. i miss being able to just randomly call friends and go milkshake hunting at 3 am, i miss being happy and i just got happy dammit! i've been so depressed for so many years that the first real glimpse of happiness i find and really enjoy, poof, gone again. well fuck that! now that i actually know what it is to be happy, not because i have money or things, but because i have friends to hang with, a hubby i can laugh with, and well, i was just happy for once in my life. AND I WANT IT BACK!
so i think my christmas list now consists of new pots and pans, sorry that's been on my list for a few years now, a new job, first ever house, a not so crappy piece of shit car, and to be happy again. to start talking again instead of bottling everything up inside and being too worried about talking about things that might upset people.
i've been doing that for far too long where i put everyone else's happiness and emotional well-being in front of my own and it's almost killed me a few times. i can't, no i WONT do it anymore.
i'm taking back my happiness and holding on tight.

time for a change maybe?

so i sent out that letter to the man who murdered my cousin and i'm waiting on a response, if any, but if he does respond, well that will be december's issue of MANIFEST. well, i'm always an army brat, hope for the best; prepare for the worst, so i have a back up plan for the december issue if he doesn't respond at all or not in time. HOWEVER, i'm now starting to think that it may be time to change it up all together.

see, MANIFEST, the whole concept and idea was truly a vision from God. it's a training tool that will help me prepare for something, i just don't know what that something is. but i think i may have to change my approach. i wanted to keep completely neutral in regards to the political topics, just give the facts as they are on the government sites and articles, etc. and keep my opinion out of it completely. i figured people can make up there own minds and take the actions they see fit to take. this idea also stemms from people forcing their opinions down my throat when all i wanted were just the facts. but for some reason, this isn't working. is it because we as a society have just gotten too use to other's opinions that we can't make our own? has it just become easier to let others hash these things out without us getting involved.

well we can't just sit around any longer and wait for others to duke it out and we sit on the side lines and pray for the best. i mean praying is fine, but pray without action is like that joke jerry told me. guy is sitting on the roof of his house during a massive flood and he's praying to god, "save me, save me" a guy comes by with a rowboat and tells the guy, get in, but nope, he says thanks but god will save me. the water gets higher and the guy is up to his waist when someone comes by in a speed boat, get in man. no thanks, god will save me. the water is now up to this guys ears when a helicopter flies in and lowers a bucket, but the guy says, no thanks, god will save me. the man drowns. when he stands before god and asks why didn't you save me? god says i tried, i sent a rowboat, a speedboat, and a helicopter, but you turned me down.

how many times have you turned god down recently? you're waiting on some kind of supernatural event to fix all the problems when sometimes the real solution is just grabbing the hand that's right in front of you. i know i've been waiting.

i think i've been worried that my opinion would get in the way, but maybe my opinion could help show the way. i think my opinions and my voice are worthy of sharing, are important. so i'm gonna pray over it, call my church family and see what they think. it may just be time to shake things up a bit.

you people scare me

ok, so i know it's been a few days since this happened, but i've been a wee bit busy with broken cars and panic attacks, poisoned hubby, ya know normal stuff, but it hit me tonight that everyone was in such an uproar over that football player that said the f-word, you know, faggot. yes i said it, because i needed to so you didn't confuse which f-word.
but people were so pissed about this that the entire state signed a petition to have him fired from his status as athletic demi-god and it worked. the team actually kicked this guy off the team. omg!
ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?!
you're upset because he used a homosexually demeaning word, YET YOU GIVE VICK A SECOND CHANCE?
a convicted felon for the murder, assualt, and torture of innocent animals, and "he did his time, he paid the price, he deserves a second chance", but a guy who's just a verbal moron, probably because he was passed through the education system not because he could read or write, but because he could throw pork around real well, oh yeah crusify that guy!
you people are really starting to scare me.
praise and worship hollywood, but screw God. elect a president who had no related work experience and who hates this country, and now stand by and support your friendly neighborhood murdering psychopath, but burn at the stake the guy who said a stupid word.

i am now currently accepting donations to purchase a few million reality checks, return to common sense, and bibles for those of you who weren't told in a t.v. movie of the week that jesus loves you and you need to love him

time to just let it go

so, i was trying to come up with a topic for november's issue of MANIFEST when god pointed me into a very firm direction. i had to face the man who murdered my cousin 20 years ago. now he's going to be in prison until he dies, so i wrote him a letter and that letter is the november issue. no politics, no inspiring articles, just me and my fear and my pain. i've been afraid of this man for so long, because he did something to me that no one was able to do before or since, make feel unsafe. being an army brat i've been surrounded by the military all my life and was never afraid of anything. after dec. 12th 1989, i've been terrified of every choice i've made, every action i've ever taken, because this man walked into the police department and just killed my cousin sonny. sonny was a cop and suppose to be bullet proof, (i was 13 at the time, so gimmie a break) not to mention he was inside the belly of the p.d. surrounded by cops with guns, he should have been safer than the pope! but he wasn't and nothing has felt safe since. this guy just walks in and just shot him and no one has ever been able to tell me why. they want to blame his childhood or mental sickness or the neighborhood he grew up in, i mean it's all bullshit and i'm tired of asking everyone else, so i finally just asked him. it's taken me 20 years but i finally grew a pair and wrote him.
i said in the letter that i wasn't scared of his answer, but now that i've actually sealed that envelop, i'm actually nervous. i'll drop the letter off in the mail box on my way to work tomorrow and it should reach him by the beginning of next week. i don't know if he will respond at all, hell he may be so drugged up he can't respond, but i know that when i first started writing this letter i cried every sentence. tonight i was reading through it again, correcting some typos and i only cried once. i think i'm finally truly embracing myself forgiving him for his actions. forgiving him for killing sonny and destroying our families, his included, is the only way i break the shadows that surround christmas for me. the only way i take back the safety and joy he stole from me.

no idea

i don't know what has been going on with me lately, but for the past month or so it seems like i'll go a couple of days being happy and no problems, to putting my fist through a wall angry for a couple of days, then happy, rage, happy, rage. i mean i had to call jerry at midnight to help me calm down after that article i read about getting evicted for flying the american flag. he says it's just the final straw that broke my back ya know?! i don't know, i guess the more you pay attention to the fallout around you, the more it spikes your blood pressure. which i guess is why there is that saying "ignorance is bliss". yeah, i guess it was. but once you're educated, there is no going back.
someone at work asked me if i had kids and the answer was a quick, no doubt, hell no. and he thought i was kidding when i also added "and i don't want any either". see, for those of you who just adore children, i don't have that natural instinct to breed. point of fact even the thought makes me twitch in the sniper way. but even if i did have that pull, why would i want to bring a child into this world right now anyway? i mean seriously? ok, scenario, i have a kid in 2010, by 2018 it's up for graduating high school. prospects for a future: he has to speak at least 2 other languages besides english just to get a job even at the burger joint, he better be a minority, the next albert einstein, or i won the lottery before he'll be able to even think about college, if there is still a college here in this country that americans are allowed to go to. jobs, if he can even find one, will not be able to pay enough for the kid to ever pay for anything besides a pizza on the weekends, he'll have to walk or ride a bike or a bus to both school and job because he'll not be able to afford the gas or insurance or the car itself. and now the way things are going with this administration, he might as well defect from here and rush over to china if he wants to have a life, because i'll be in prison for murder and failing to buy health insurance. the latter is obvious, the murder has to do with the stupid dhr person who comes to my house to take away my kid because i disciplined him when he cussed me out and crapped in the floor because he wasn't getting some kind of positive attention or something you hear those stupid twits from the nanny shows saying.
i have some praying to do and some thinking to do. i need to knock out 3 newsletters in 2 weeks. while working and church and my hubby and my dad's birthdays this weekend and spending time with them both and tax class and another yard sale and dear lord. i'm going to bed.
god bless you all

boycott cowards and traitors

omg i'm in tears right now thinking about how many years i missed spending with my dad because he was in a foreign country or "out in the field" while he was in the u.s. army and what i just read makes me want to scream. an apartment building in oregon has the balls to tell their residents that they can't fly the american flag either in their apartment or even in their car or have bumper stickers with the american flag on it, if they break this rule they face eviction. first and foremost, to threaten people with losing their safety and shelter, you put fear in them, therefore you are a TERRORIST! and as such you should be handle as a TERRORITST! not to mention that is anti-american and since we are in a time of war, it is treasonous in its basic form. you should be arrested and imprisoned. if i were anyone near that area i would begin boycots, lawsuits, and if i were a resident, i'd move out, put holds on my rent checks, and take everyone with you at the same time. bankrupt their stupid asses.
but it just kills me to think that we as americans are so fucking scared to be americans. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of the way all these bleeding heart lets save the planet fucks are destroying the country which my father and my mother, who also was in the army, sacrificed for. while you try to find a new country in which to save while you bash the country in which you live. we can't save anyone else because we are refusing to save ourselves. you people disgust me. i feel so sorry for my parents who are still alive to witness this atrocity to our country. i feel so sorry for the men and women dying for this country because you assholes don't give a shit about them or this country.
so you know what? if you don't fucking love this country, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE EITHER!

what a joke

so everyone wants to talk about the nobel peace prize awarded to the president of the united states. you know what, I DON'T CARE!!!! i'm sick of this man and what he's doing to our country. we are now the punchline in jokes around the world. since obama was elected, we've had more countries finally come out of the closet and prove to the world that they've had WMD all along. we were just too busy bashing bush to really look or pay attention. that we would rather slam a president for actually trying to do something about the dangers facing us because he wasn't very politically correct or it was your time of the month and he was the most popular target for the day. instead we want a pansy for a president because he gives great lip service? so now the rest of the world is starting to pull out their big guns because they know without a shadow of a doubt that obama will NOT do anything. he will sit around playing media whore and make sure his every action is politically correct while troops die by the thousands because he doesn't have the balls to take action and send our troops support, no matter who it pisses off. it's not like he has that many fans left in this country anyway. we're all broke, losing our homes, and starving in the streets, but wait for it, he wants to spend over a million taxpayer dollars to bid on the olympics for his home state because of why?? what kickbacks would he have been getting from this? and then when he loses the bid he wants to blame bush again for his own failures. oh yes because bush was the ring leader to the gang of teenagers who beat a poor boy to death on video in broad damn daylight! every failure obama has had, he blames bush. yes, because bush signed the stimulus package? bush is responsible for acorn? bush spent more months on trying to find the perfect dog for his family versus trying to save american jobs? hmmm, yeah, you know what? quit drinking the koolaid!

R&R OCT '09

It's time for Halloween again. A time for fun, sugar overloads, Christmas shopping, and dressing your precious little daughters up like hookers. Yes you read correctly, I said hookers. For years now the trend in Halloween costumes has been to see how slutty a little kid's costume can be before it reaches the pornographic level and for years I've heard parents complain that the costumes are a little too “racy” or “adult”. Yet you still buy it. Why? Is it because that's all there is out there? Maybe because you don't want your child to feel left out of the party? Here's a thought, JUST SAY NO! I know, crazy idea. I recently went to a store where the costumes were already out for sale and I saw a harem costume for ages 4-7 and almost choked. Seriously?! The definition of harem is the term used to identify the women that are usually romantically involved with the husband of the household. They have no freedom of anything and no jobs other than to sexually satisfy the husband and give him sons. And this is what you're dressing your 4 year old up as all because it's Halloween?! Good job turning your widdle angel into a hoe. Then you want to blame society when your angel gets knocked up before she can legally drive a car and you can't possible begin to understand where she got these wild ways of hers?! Huh?! Enough already! First off you are a member of this society therefore you are to blame for the pimping of your little girls. Secondly you are responsible for these inappropriate costumes and clothing choices for children today because you continue to buy this stuff, and in turn the companies continue to make it. Ultimately it is your job to say no. Return morals and decency to our society and make these companies stop turning our children into wanna-be porn stars. It doesn't matter what Paris or Lindsay or Britney wears, they aren't your children. They are adults with their own money so they have the right to be as skanky as they want to be. However, you shouldn't let your children be that way. Babies are having babies all over this country because it's MTV and reality shows that teach your kids about sex, not you. So when their favorite actor or singer gets pregnant out of wedlock, they think it's cool because you've never told them it isn't. That it is a sin, it is wrong, and it will make their lives a lot harder than it ever needed to be. They will lose friends, family, opportunities, and respect. So quit complaining and do something. Start petitions that will force these costume companies to stop making vulgar outfits, boycott these costumes, make some costumes yourself. Or if you can’t, but know someone who can make costumes, pay them. I'm sure they could use an extra $20-$30, which is the price for even wal-mart's costumes. The most important thing is to talk to your kids. Our society is not as nice, sweet, and innocent as we like to pretend it is and parading your 8 year old around town as a catholic school girl or a naughty pirate wench is going to get them hurt. Or worse, make them think that their only value as a young woman is as a sex toy.

R&R SEPT '09

ok, so someone my hubby works with has suggested that i put my newsletter up on a website, which i tried, but i didn't like the way it turned out so i took it down. however, i think i should still post at the very least my rant and rave. just because i feel like it. maybe soon i'll get some geek friends of mine to help me with a real website and you can read the whole thing. but for now, you'll get the R&R.

SEPT. '09
I've been struggling over this for a few days, wondering what topic I should talk about. What should I say that would make you get up and shout and take some kind of action? Should I talk about athletes who get rewarded for being criminals? How bout me with three college degrees, can't find a job anywhere? I have a huge list of things I want to chew up and spit out, but through prayer and God's direction, I know exactly where I need to start.
It's been one of my biggest pet peeves for years. The cranky attitude of people coming from church. What ticked you off so much in the house of God that you have to take it out on me? This observance has come from years of working in the customer service industry, food or retail, which always required me to work on Sundays. I've noticed how ill people are coming through my store, snapping at kids or spouses, always being less patient and more demanding of employees. Sometimes just outright mean as a snake. What did I ever do to you? Why is it you have such a bad attitude on Sunday, but on Monday you're nice?
I finally figured it out. Now that I've been unemployed for the past two months, I've actually gotten a chance to go to church on a regular basis and it hit me. We as church going people spend a couple of hours, on one of our only days off, being told what bad Christians we are. We're being reprimanded by our Holy Father for being spoiled brats who take Him for granted and use Him when it's convenient for us. We tell God, literally to His face, that He is only good enough for a couple hours on Sunday and only in church. Because once you leave church, you leave God inside those four walls. You just can't seem to figure out where He fits in to your schedule of work, school, practice, salon, and “me” time, so you leave Him at church. He's also not very popular because He's not on Survivor or the Real Housewives or Lost. So really what is there to talk about with your friends or co-workers? I mean come on, it's not like He was out last night partying with Paris or Lindsey.
Now I will be the first to admit that I've done it to. I get so wrapped up in “me” that I forget that there wouldn't be a “me” without Him. I get caught up in the devil's games of what is popular or what the crowd is doing and become blinded to what God wants me to do. I am here in this world because God has a purpose for me. I'm here for Him, not for my nails, my hair, my outfit, or my t.v. I don't care what happened on last nights reality show, because last night I read my bible and prayed for forgiveness. I prayed to be a better person, to be a better servant, and I prayed for you.. Heck, I even prayed for the man that wouldn't hire me back at my old job.
Now, put down the cell phone, turn off American Idol, get off the Internet, and open your bible. Start anywhere, doesn't matter, just start reading. I don't care that it's not Sunday or you have an appointment or you made plans with friends. God certainly doesn't. Pray to be a lump of clay so that God may mold and shape you into the person you were meant to be in His eyes. You'll be surprised how silly it feels at first, but before you know it, you'll see the blessings and the miracles that surround us every second. You'll see and feel His Holy Spirit and rejoice.
Don't believe me? Think I'm crazy, a rebel, someone who needs a therapist? Guess what? There were some people in the bible that said the same thing about this weird guy named Jesus. Wanna know more? It's written in that book sitting on the shelf in your living room collecting dust.

ok, who did i piss off in a former life?

so my brakes were shot on my car. it always seems that when they go bad, we're flat broke so we have to wait till everything has to get replaced. so as usual, my brakes went from needing new pads a couple months ago, just as i got laid off, to now when they came grinding to a noisey and painful halt. last time this happened the bill was $500. this time we got lucky, only $172. apparently last time it was all 4 wheels that needed to get fixed, this time just the front. lucky right?! oh hell no. they test drove it, all's well. i get my car today, drive no more than 5-7 miles, before i smell something like burning wires, or burning metal. so i pull over, get out, and see my driver's side front wheel well smoking.
i take it back to the garage since i'd only been gone an hour from them, and they look and see that the piston in the caliper, sorry if that's misspelled, but anyway the piston is seized up. jammed into place and since it wasn't releasing all the way, the brakes were searing into the rotars. so that's what caused the smoking and smell and if i hadn't brought it back, could have caught my car on fire or clamped the brakes down and my car wouldn't move anymore. well, that one tire wouldn't move. lovely, just f'in great.
well the guy who works on my car is a friend so he's going to fix it for the cost of the parts, but not charge us for labor. he said it's a fluke that this happened, but he's still gonna help us out anyway he can. a completely new car would be the way to help us, in my opinion, but i'm not complaining.
i just want to know what it is that my luck makes elephant dung look like squirrel droppings? i mean seriously?! if it weren't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any luck at all. i'd like to return the luck to whomever sent it my way, but i don't know how.
i just don't get it. i don't understand why this always happens to us. my hubby and i are good people. we don't steal, cheat, or kill. we pay our taxes, follow the laws of man and god, we have given when we never expected to receive. yet i know criminals who have it better and easier than we do. people who have fancy houses and cars and more money than intelligence who win the lottery. yet we work our asses off till we can't see straight, sacrifice time with each other, our friends, and our families just so we can pay the power bill this month. why is it so hard for us to just catch a break?!
ok God. tag, you're it!

sick of the double standards

ok, so watching the news and of coarse, instead of talking about oh i dunno the iran nuclear threat, we are forced to endure heated debates on roman polanski and the 13 year old he raped 33 years ago. so many people are just so confused about why it should matter. the victim just wants to live her life and get on with it, she doesn't want to prosecute, she's grown up and forgiven him. the media and main stream america want his balls nailed to the wall. hollywood says it has been so long, just drop it already and move on.

so where do you stand?

this is my issue with the whole situation. we as a society don't punish our golden heros in hollywood. sorry. if you're rich and famous, you are above the law. why? because we as a society have made it that way.

don't agree?

let me point out the facts. for instance, roman polanski, child rapist, still get's an oscar for his work, still get's tons of money because you go to see his movies. tupac and biggie, drug dealers and killers, still making tons of money today because you buy their albums and watch the movies of their lives. michael vick, dog killer (btw most serial killers begin this way) back on top, making a ton of money because you still went to see the game. paris hilton, i really need to find someone new to pick on but it's just too easy to target her, she's famous for nothing, but you still bought her "book" and "album" and watched her tv shows.
now those are just the top ones i can remember off the top of my head. so if i've missed a few, sorry.
yet, you want to bitch and complain that these people get away with murder, yet never suffer the consequences. YOUR FAULT!
you keep sending them your money so they keep doing whatever it is they want to do. you keep putting them before your family, friends, and communities. don't blame them when your kid kills someone or something in the hope of being just like their idol, whomever the hot pick of the week is in showbiz or showsports.

so anyway....

wow, aint this somethin?! i've never done a blog before, mostly because i hate trends, but mainly because i've never really had anything to say. or i would see people blog like every freakin day and, i don't know if they even realized it or not that they were repeating their crappy life stories over and over again, but seriously?! every day? your life can't be that interesting or that full. no one's is.
however now, i have things to say. i'm getting assaulted on all sides, every direction, that i took up blogging in order to save my hubby's ears from me bitching all the time.
i'm certain i will talk about politics, because i feel as a society right now we ALL need to be paying attention to politics. i'm positive i'll be discussing religion and, trust me, i will go there. and i'll be discussing other crap that really just ticks me off or inspires me. either way i can promise you i'm going to piss people off, offend someone, or cause someone to get up off their lazy ass and do something about something.
my blog is where i am going to unload both barrels and just watch out. if you want someone to sugar coat something, just keep looking cause it aint here. and if you are the type of person who just wants to spam cuss me and my opinions, keep on going cause you won't get your 15 seconds of fame here.
i also want to go ahead and warn yall that i don't play, yet i feel that i am an open minded person and will talk to folks about things. if you disagree with me, let me know and be educated about it, don't just i hate you, you suck type stuff, tell me your opinion and the facts and i'll respond in kind. it may take me a few days just because i want to be informed on topics before i unleash on them.
so anyway, nube on deck. and let's get the fires started.